It's now deleted and replaced with a song that I like, but I tried writing here about my dying aunt and her tentative plans to move up in order to be with family while dying has led to increased stress and anxiety on my part.

A couple minutes after it went up, I learned that she was rushed to the hospital and was in pretty bad shape. She passed away later that night.

She had cancer for about 7-8 months, and her health seemed to fluctuate wildly to the point where it seemed as if one moment you would hope she'd make a full recovery--and the next you're preparing yourself for the worst. So I suppose the news didn't really hit me as hard as it could have had I not mentally prepared for that inevitable phone call.

(Actually, I found out through Facebook... not through a lack of tact or anything, but what happened was she passed away sometime overnight. My mother chose to wait until the morning to call us, but I woke up early to instinctively check Facebook essentially to quell any fears that anything bad had happened (which didn't work, obviously.) This is weird, though... right? I've been constantly opening up my aunt's Facebook profile, and I really can't explain why. And I really can't put into words any of this... but it's weird, right?)

I guess since I've known this was coming for a while it didn't really hit me that hard. And I don't know if this is common or not, but I felt a more immediate sense of loss for my cat earlier this year, which is really because a) I didn't know the cat was in that bad of shape, and b) I lived with the cat and really haven't had contact with my aunt for a while. I feel as if I find this to be strange, but I really don't.

I also feel as if I should be filled with regret, that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, that I put her through years of s*** as a bratty kid, all that stuff that the movies tell me you'll be immediately be racked with guilt over... but I'm not. At least not as much as I would have imagined... especially since I regret pretty much everything. I guess I feel bad that I always disliked her Christmas presents and never expressed much appreciation... but I was a brat, I suppose. And, I mean... it would've been nice to have a chance to say goodbye, but it didn't happen and that's just unfortunately how it worked out.

I guess really the main feeling right now is confusion. Not in the sense that everything's a blur and you're not really sure what happened, but... I guess, you're expecting life to take a pause so you can take time to digest everything that's occurred, but it doesn't, and life keeps moving on and events keep happening... and it's *weird*.

Anyway, I've had an idea on what I would say if I had to eulogize her, so I'm going to go ahead and write it. It'd look something like this:


She was probably the closest non-immediate family member. She moved out to North Carolina years back, so most of our recent interactions happened during the holidays, but during my childhood she was usually within arm's reach and we often spent a lot of time sleeping over at her place. (She had no children of her own, so I suppose that made her much more willing to have us over.)

I'm trying to remember fond memories of my time spent with her, but honestly... most of my memories I can really recall are of watching sports with her... and having our team inevitably lose in heartbreaking fashion. (Which I suppose can be considered fond, and better be if you grew up in this state...) There are a few specific moments I can remember pretty well, and I'm going to write them down here:

-I probably attended at least 10 Twins games with her, if not more--or less, really... my memory's bad and I'm assuming it embellishes quite a bit. Anyway, what I do remember is that out of all those games, the Twins won exactly one game. It was a game against the Tigers, and we won 6-1 (Torii Hunter screwed up and let a fly ball go straight over his head for a triple, which resulted in the one run for the Tigers). I was completely amazed that the Twins actually won a game I attended... I probably thought I'd save the ticket for as long as I lived (I haven't...) I attended other sporting events with her... our team always lost.

-I watched the Rams/Vikings playoff game at her apartment, and we were both completely excited at halftime as the Vikings were up 17-14 over the favorites to win the Super Bowl. The Rams then subsequently took a 49-17 lead 15 minutes later. I probably blamed the loss on my eating lunch at halftime or something.

-The 2001 NFC Championship Game, Vikings/Giants. She had come over to our place to watch it on our 46-inch TV (which was pretty luxurious back then). The Giants took the lead almost immediately, and we never had a chance. I remember her giving up on the game somewhere like halfway through the 2nd quarter, and that I thought she was quitting on the team. I gave up somewhere around the 4th.

-2003 (I believe was the year) she got me this really nice Vikings jacket for Christmas... one of those that the coaches and players on the team wore on the sidelines that year. It was really nice. And I was really impressed that she actually got me something that I had really liked as a gift. So I wore it the next time the Vikings played, which was against the 3-12 Arizona Cardinals in the last game of the season, and a game in which if the Vikings won, they would then go to the playoffs. It was locked in, and we were up 17-6 with about 2 minutes to go. Then the Cardinals scored, making it 17-12. Somehow, they got the onside kick, and were driving down the field to score. But with about 15 seconds left, Kevin Williams (then a rookie) sacked the Cards' QB, which meant that Arizona had to scramble to get one last play off. Which they did, and the QB chucked it up hoping someone would come down with it... and Nate Poole caught it. Touchdown Cardinals. Vikings out of the playoffs. I blamed the jacket, and vow never to wear it again.

I guess these sound sort of negative now that I'm writing it, and I guess they weren't particularly pleasant at the time, but she was a big Twins and Vikings fan. The Twins were terrible at the time, and the Vikings were (and still are) historically terrible, and she relayed what living through 4 Super Bowl losses was like to me. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that she had a large part in showing me what it was like being a miserable sports fan. Which--for better or worse (most likely worse)--is a big part of who I am today.

I guess it's not as great as say--having her teach me how to live life to the fullest or any cliched thing like that--but I suppose that's OK.

I was going to say something like "it's too bad the Vikings never won a Super Bowl during her lifetime" because that's what I'd imagine a lot of sports-related eulogies including. But I suppose it's better in the context I'm presenting that they always remained losers. Lovable to us (and loathsome, too), I suppose.

...

That's all I have to say, really. The funeral is next Saturday. I hope my mother's doing OK.