Sunday, August 30, 2009

So I played Madden the other day, and now I'm gonna write about it

I was going to mention this the other day, back while I was at home and the topic was still fresh on my mind. I was also going to mention that it pretty much sucked.

I went home, played about 10 games or so, then went back into town. So I can't really say that I "fully immersed" myself in the game or anything. But... it wasn't really all that fun. I mean, it's cool to a point and everything, and sometimes you're able to have fun with it, but it really doesn't compare to the football games of yore.

I read a few reviews for the game, and a complaint that I saw pop up was that the game was "too realistic." Now, I don't know if I particularly agree with that sentiment or not. Depends on how the game developers would describe the running game... if they would describe the running game in Madden as "more realistic", then yes, I would definitely agree that it is too realistic. If the game developers would describe it as "something we decided to make frustratingly more difficult to do to frustrate certain people," then I would merely say "f*** you, EA."

It's all kinda disappointing, because I hate passing the ball and would rather run like crazy (one of the reasons I've always sort of preferred the NCAA games as you can run the option, which means more emphasis on running). And in the games I played on a higher difficulty, I averaged about 20 runs: 5 probably resulted in losses, 10 went for 0-1 yards, 3 went for 2-10 yards and 2 went for 10-20... if I'm lucky. Perhaps it was the learning curve that I was not able to get over with the short time frame I was able to play the game, but still. LAME.

I don't know. It doesn't need to be completely Adrian-Peterson-literally-severs-limbs-as-he-slices-through-defenses fantastical, but games should be fun, you know?

But before I go, a list of my favorite football games of all tiime:

1) Tecmo Super Bowl... everyone loves it. It's still great almost 20 years after its release.
2) One of the first few Maddens that came out for the N64. There was this amazing unlockable that would basically turn off sidelines-that meaning that if you run out of bounds, you'd simply magically transfer over to the other sideline and keep running. It made games with my brother a lot more complex and fun.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Youtubing 1:

There is nothing here yet because I accidentally hit the enter button while typing in the title.

Well now there is. I like YouTube videos because they make me feel like I'm being productive at writing while just lazily posting videos.

Here's a video I found floating around on various sites of Quentin Tarantino talking about "There Will Be Blood." It's a pretty cool watch, and Tarantino as always is quite interesting to listen to... more so when he's talking about other films rather than his own, but whatever. It's going to take over the right half side of this page, though. Please don't panic.

1) The point on Paul Dano is spot on, but I wonder if anyone was ever really going to stand toe-to-toe with Daniel Day-Lewis...
2) Not the biggest Tarantino person, but I feel like I should see Inglorious Basterds at some point soon. Also, Jackie Brown might be my favorite film of his. Just saying.

Fun with Blogger:

So I was tinkering with this place... and I decided to change the comment system and such.

I think it was set up so you had to have had some sort of account with Blogger? (or maybe just people with Google accounts.) I tried testing them and it seems like it might be cumbersome... not that I am assuming the reason why no one comments is because people have to sign in. This is sort of just me talking to myself out loud right now. (Of course, the reason why I am not receiving a lot of comments is because I'm assuming my direct competition is porn websites... and they have more pictures to look at.)

Anyway. So I have decided to open the comments up to everyone, which means a few things:

1) You can post comments anonymously.
2) If you hate me, you can tell me to go f*** myself without ANY repercussions whatsoever.
3) I am assuming that autobots might now start showing up. I thought that this was going to be a negative in opening the comments up, but then I thought about it. Autobots are awesome. I don't know why the heck I ever considered it a negative.

So yeah. That's that.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Beatles: Rock Band PREVIEW!!!

Oh yes. Courtesy of ME!! And my countless number of connections that allowed me to get my hands on this game before its release date.

(Translation: I walked into Best Buy today and saw that they had a preview for the game. And I played it.)

So I've been excited for the game for a long while now, and although I probably won't be able to buy it until I'm 30 or so (that's probably about the time I'll start making money, I'm presuming), I look forward to... someone having it. Provided my friends are cool enough or something. Anyway, I played the thing, and I'm going to share my thoughts about my experience with you! The reader who could care less about the game! Yeah!

-The Beatles are in their own videogame. Of course, this is obvious, but I thought I'd mention it. I think back in the day when I had an active imagination, I thought it would be cool for the Beatles to have their own game, except instead it would've been more like "escape all the female fans to make it to the airport so you can play a gig in Chicago on time!" So basically, "A Hard Day's Night: The Game". But this is cool too. I'm assuming that fans of Metallica and Aerosmith also thought the band having their own videogame was pretty cool too, but I hate both of those bands, so screw them.

-The presentation of the game seems to be the game's selling point, as you're going through "the life and times of the Beatles" or something. All I know is that watching the band play "Yellow Submarine" in the studio, then magically relocating to the sea before hopping aboard a submarine that floats its way up to the surface was kind of awesome. I don't know how long the novelty of watching these things will last, but they do add a nice touch to the game. So instead of watching guys play their instruments, you feel like you're watching a nicely done music video. Which is cool. A few of the songs were also set in Shea Stadium, which had them just playing their instruments and such... but it did feel weird to play something that was a part of history. Sort of like World War II games or recreations of classic scenarios in sports games... except weirder because this doesn't seem like it'd translate into a video game. It'd be sort of like playing as Kennedy against Nixon in the televised presidential debate. Or something like that.

-I only played the guitar, but the songs themselves are still pretty cool. I thought there might be a problem with a lack of challenge, which has been lessened with the little playthrough. See, I was worried everything would be easy, which would make the songs boring. But I like what they did--gave the songs a slight challenge, but overall made sure the songs themselves were fun to play. Which is what I really wanted. Cause honestly, the thrash metal songs on Rock Band that most consider to be "challenging" I hate to play.


Anyway. That's about all that I impressioned (I don't think that's a word... but it should be). In case anyone reading this has an extra $60 they want to waste and might be thinking to waste it on me... I think you're the swellest person in the world and I love you.

Rock and Roll VH1 Classic

I can't sleep at the moment. And for some reason the TV is on. It is on VH1 Classic, playing old videos of crap.

I have decided to take advantage of my insomnia, and will cover the 6AM-7AM VH1 Classic music video rotation for you. Because without me, the world's most foremost 6AM VH1 Classic reporter, you would never know what you were missing.

Unfortunately it just went to commercial, and the last music video that played was something that I did not pay attention to, since I had to write the above paragraphs. As the world's most foremost 6AM VH1 Classic reporter, I sometimes find myself so dedicated to my commitment in recording everything I observe... that I forget to observe. Also I am starting late. It's 6:15. I decided to start doing this at like 6:09.

Some great Poractiv commercials, though.

6:18: Guns N Roses-Welcome To The Jungle: OK, so this one is a classic GNR song... although everything after the intro is kinda a let down, in my opinion. Also, I am assuming that at least 4 of the members of the group regret their hairstyles from this period. Man, the 80's was a bad decade.

6:23: Aerosmith-Rag Doll(?): I didn't catch the title. I was too distracted by the drum the dude in the beginning was beating. Also I was distracted by suck. I mean, Aerosmith sucks all the time anyway, but this is just annoying in almost every single way. I don't know. I've always identified it as the "annoying bad Aerosmith song." Which *could* describe all of their songs, but I know what I'm talking about. There are requisite shots of girls dancing, crowds loving Aerosmith and waving their arms, Steven Tyler wasting valuable air... all that stuff.

6:27: Blue Oyster Cult-Burnin' For You: Alright. This isn't bad. The video isn't really all that great, though. The lead singer looks like your 50 year old dad dressing up for Halloween with crap he found for a dollar at a thrift store. And there's a narrative of some guy and girl doing stuff... and they kind of look like dorks. Is that because they represent their audience? I don't know.

6:32: Beatles: Rock Band commercial. Coler me excited-if-I-had-any-money.

6:36: Clash-Rock The Casbah: Oh hey. Four songs in a row that I at least recognized. So anyway, the chorus is catchy and everything, but nothing else in the song does anything for me, which is kind of the story between me and The Clash. So yeah. Joe Strummer might not be a god, but he does rock a nice yellow shirt/forest green pants combination. Everyone else looks like douchebags in their military garb, though.

6:40: J. Giels Band-Come Back: I know nothing about this band. However, they have a harmonica player rocking out in the background, despite the fact that the song may or may not have any harmonica. The song has an annoying synth and some annoying back-up vocals during the chorus. Seriously. A guy is playing harmonica on a song with no harmonica. If you had nothing for him to do, you could have at least given him a tambourine...

6:44: Beatles-I Saw Her Standing There: Oh HEY! I'm assuming they're playing a lot of Beatles, because they're playing that Rock Band commercial a lot and showing a "Beatles Rock Band" graphic intermittently in the corner. This is OK with me, though. I think this is from Ed Sullivan. Sort of lacks a bit of that bite that the studio version has, but it's still one of the Beatles' best songs period.

6:47: Commercials and such.

6:51: Sonny & Cher-I Got You Babe: Ahh yes. The hard-hitting classic rock hour continues with this sick jam. It's a performance on their show or something. Headbanging ensues.

6:54: Heart-Alone: OK, this sounds like a TERRIBLE 80's power ballad. Yep. And it's got the usual 80's macho guitar posturing and such... except that some of the guitarists are female. Also includes the audience that's probably too exuberant about getting paid to stand and cheer. Lot of close ups of the two females... because they're chicks and that's gonna win the 14 year olds over.

6:58: NEWFLASH: KISS is touring for their Alive 35 tour thing. I'm really trying to think of something witty about how they're old and crap. It's really hard, because the "old rock star" jokes are beyond cliche at this point. But as the world's most foremost 6AM-7AM VH1 Classic reporter, I am trying to think of something. Just so you know my plight.

7:00 is Madonna's Like A Prayer, but I'm not supposed to cover the 7 AM hour, so screw it.

I'm going to try to go to bed again. Now you know what you missed by sleeping.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


I am currently back at home right now. Hanging out with my brothers, playing a lot of video games, and then browse the internet whenever I have a chance.

And if I've been on the internet, I've been on this site.

So I'm sort of obsessed with lists, although I hate every single one that I don't create myself, so a site that focuses on making a huge, all-encompassing and ever evolving list... well, it's going to make me a little bit happy.

Few problems with the site, though. Which is OK, because it's still in beta, but still.
1) Not a full database, so a few key films that would be in my top 50 (and top 20... and top 10) are not, because you can't add them.
2) Say I rank Harold & Maude over Finding Nemo. The rankings will reflect that. But if I decide that something higher on the list (say...Metropolis) is not as worthy as its placement, and I rank Finding Nemo over Metropolis, the rankings then become 1) Finding Nemo, 2) Metropolis, and 3) Harold & Maude, totally ignoring the first ranking. Which sucks.

But hey! Still! Take a look at my totally cool list!! (Which really isn't cool... and I feel like I should have a lot more obscure, arthouse films at the top to add to some sort of hipster persona... but, uhh... I guess I fail.) Anyway, the top 8 is pretty solid (except I really don't have a favorite), but I don't know about 9-30. Case in point, I had Boogie Nights in the 23-24 area, until I decided that I liked it better than Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, so now it's 13. There you go.

I guess that's sort of why I like the thing (or at least, I like the concept of the site). It allows for evolution and changes, which is good because I'd never be fully satisfied with any list I'd make. It still feels a little bit clunky, but I'm assuming that they'll be fixed at some point.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this site is APPROVED BY ME, and thus you should check it out and such.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

What I do with my life:

Watched the Star Wars Holiday Special for the fifth or sixth time (I can't remember... which might not be a good sign.) Usually watching a particular recorded event such as a film or a television show isn't the biggest deal in the world (other than showing a) you're quite fanatical about what you watched, or b) you have a lot of free time. I'd probably fall in the "b" category).

But HEY!! A lot of people I know have either struggled to get through 10 minutes of the special, or flat out refused to watch it. So the fact that I've watched it 5 or 6 times... well, that means I'm one of the 0.01% of the world's population that has watched it that many times. That's a pretty cool accomplishment, right?

Although it's actually really easy to watch it over and over.

You need a few things, though:

1) A group of people to watch it with. This is key, because not only is making fun of it a lot easier in a group, but inevitably someone will have enough and stop watching. Which means that you'll be able to make fun of them for the rest of the night, you know... saying they're not "man" enough and such. And if it's a female that leaves... I guess give them crap about not being "woman" enough. I think it works just the same.

Last night was actually my first time watching it alone, although I watched it with a Rifftrax commentary along with it (which was OK... I'm not the biggest fan of MST3K, but it's interesting hearing them lampoon something you're already familiar with).

2) A lot of free time. Cause you'll probably kill yourself with guilt if, for some reason, you decide to watch this instead of writing an essay due the next day or something. Trust me, you'll regret it immensely.

3) A lack of guilt for watching this over something else. Cause really, American History X isn't going to teach you anything new about racism, or be all that entertaining, really. So you might as well roll with something you KNOW will be bad.

(Guess who saw a certain movie for the first time recently).

4) Don't possess too much reverence for Star Wars. Cause if you do, I'd imagine that you might not like this so much. Or maybe you would... I don't know. Depends on if you think Bea Arthur and Art Carney belong in the Star Wars universe. As someone who kinda thinks Star Wars is overrated, it's fun to watch characters so beloved get involved with such a huge mess.

Ooh. I thought of a cool comparison. The original Star Wars series is like Tom Waits. The new Star Wars trilogy is like Scarlett Johansson recording an album of Tom Waits covers--you're not really opposed to the idea, but it's executed so poorly that you wish it never existed. The Star Wars Holiday Special? It's like is Miley Cyrus decided to come out with an album of Tom Waits covers--you should be absolutely horrified by the thought, but at the same time there's a strange and perverse intrigue to it.

You know, that was supposed to help my argument... hmm... anyway, my point was that the idea itself was absolutely abominable, but it's so bad that it sorta becomes a funny concept. Or something.

My typing has really been thrown off, for the record. I've been playing this game called Semantic Wars, which is a combination of hangman and storm the castle. And so all the letters pop up as I type them, so for a word like "literature" I'd only have to type "literau". After hours of playing that game, words that possess a letter that appears twice become a lot more difficult than they've ever been.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Things that have pissed me off

-So I had my headphones break the other day. Actually, I had them break three nights ago. It wasn't terribly surprising... they were kind of falling apart even though they weren't that old and I didn't really treat it terribly. They quit working in one of the ear pieces. It was still disappointing.

WELL. I bought new, theoretically improved headphones. They were the only one at the store that I liked (the non-ear bud yet with that thing to hold it over your ear). They worked well. For about two whole days. Then they quit working in one of the ear pieces. For cripes sake.

I'm going to the store tomorrow to see if I can get a replacement, but I have a sinking feeling they won't. It's really weird that they both died the same way, though. I'm guessing they both heard what my iTunes was playing and decided to off themselves. This new pair just made that decision exceedingly rash.

-Websites like this.

So the whole "best songs of the decade" thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth, not because they neglected to include some of the better songs of the decade (in my opinion), but THE DECADE ISN'T OVER YET!!! I mean, it's one thing to do a "best-of-the-year" thing in December, but why can't this wait till later? You're going to be doing squadoosh in January, so why not do this then? In fact, why don't you do this a few years later? Year-end lists are OK, because even if something's released in January or December, they're both going to lack a proper perspective. But with this, you're just increasing the likelihood that the "hip band of the moment" with the sweet single or whatever are going to be ranked much higher than they deserve, at the expense of other stuff that possesses at least some decent perspective.

I don't know. Mainly, they should've included "I Am Trying To Break Your Heart". And "Fake Empire." And "Staralfur" and "Viorar Vel Til Loftarasa".

-Speaking of Pitchfork... they posted the origins of Weezer's new album title, because God knows they must explain themselves for picking such a terrible name such as "Raditude." Because Weezer used to be such a cool band that I listened to back in high school, so the idea that they have decided to make music for the current high school demographic instead of ME just makes one want to post snarky comments about how stupid their album title is!


Seriously, here are a few choice quotes from the article, in case you don't click it (and I'm assuming you won't, but that's OK). Bolded parts are key.

...Rainn Wilson named the album. Quoth Rivers: "[Wilson] has a super-rock persona. When it came time to find a title for the Weezer album, I asked him what he thought the ultimate album title would be, and he said 'Raditude.'"

That makes sense. Raditude is what happens when you let Dwight from "The Office" name your album.

Oh. And...

Abysmal early leaks "I'm Your Daddy" and "The Girl Got Hot" will both make the album, and Cuomo isn't remotely embarrassed about either. Here's how he described the record: "The sound of Raditude is fun, high energy pop rock. 'I'm Your Daddy' has an up vibe with the same heavy Weezer guitar riff but with a little electro influence. And 'The Girl Got Hot' -- that's kind of a witty party jam."

Electro influence. Witty party jam. Right.


OK. So Weezer put out some decent albums back in the day, but since they returned, they've gone in a different direction than maybe their older fans would've liked. THAT IS OK. GET OVER IT.

I mean, Cuomo made Pinkerton, which is something I might even call "great" (the Blue Album is merely OK in my book), but it was also pretty miserable. If Cuomo doesn't want to revisit that period again (and I mean, it took him 5 years to follow it up), then let him make simple pop geared towards high schoolers (or whatever you'd like to call it) if it's what he wants to do. Don't be a pompous prick and insinuate that he's become a huge moron by going this route.

I mean, OK... I understand initial disappointment of hearing Weezer's "new direction", but it's been 8 years. They're not going to make anything like The Blue Album like you'd prefer. That's OK. There are other bands out there worthy of attention, and the band will always be there in case you want to see if anything catches your attention (and to be frank, their new single is pretty alright, although too clunkily titled for my lazy hands to type).

I don't know why I'm so worked up about it.

-I have a headache.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I need new headphones and I'm grumpy and I'm browsing music websites when I should be sleeping

So I really shouldn't care what the hell Pitchfork has to say, but if they rank Animal Collective's "My Girls" tomorrow in the top 20 of their little "top 500 songs of the decade", I am going to be pissed. And if it's in the top 10, I'm going to punch a hole through the wall.

And if,God forbid, it's in the top 5, something like this will probably happen:

Except replace the egg with this:

Just so you all know.

Stuff about the Beatles...

So I was browsing through my girlfriend's iTunes playlist the other day when I discovered that for some reason, she had a total of 4 Beatles songs. Now, her excuse was that she had heard pretty much a lot of their crap, just that she didn't possess it. Which is fair, considering how ubiquitious the Beatles are and everything. But still... it seems almost a requirement for one to have at least some Beatles on there. Along with Dylan, Radiohead, and The Shaggs.

So I've been putting a Beatles playlist slowly but surely, which has built up to about 70 songs, combining some of my favorite songs along with Beatles stuff one should at least have/songs important to the band's development (i.e. I don't really like "She Loves You", but since it's probably an important song and all that crap, there it is.) I'm also debating whether or not to put something from "Yellow Submarine" on the playlist. Cause... it exists out there, and I have something from "Beatles For Sale" and I hate that album. Hey Bulldog is alright, I guess. I don't know.

Anyway, the point of this is that I've been listening to essentially all Beatles the past few days. It's nice to revisit them every once in a while, but the problem is that thanks to the massive radio overplay/that one phase when you're younger where they are all you listen to, there are some songs I'd be OK with never hearing again.

So I got bored and compiled some lists. First one is "most overrated Beatles songs." Second one is "most underrated Beatles songs." Simple enough, right? I sure would hope so.


1. Hello Goodbye: Probably a contender for worst song ever as well, quite honestly. Although most of my hatred of it stems from the fact that it was the A-side instead of I Am The Walrus, and the fact that on Magical Mystery Tour, it's sandwiched between two of the band's best songs. It's so sickeningly sweet that it actually pisses me off every time I listen to it.
2. The Long And Winding Road: Some people contend that Phil Spector's production ruined this song. They are wrong. The song always sucked. Spector just made its suck more obvious to everyone.
3. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds: I'm really not sure how this got to be so popular (other than making people giggle like schoolgirls over the LSD reference). It's not really catchy, nothing in the song is really intriguing... it's just kind of there.
4. Here, There And Everywhere: Revolver would be my favorite Beatles album, and it was for a few years. However, the McCartney schmaltz sort of ruins it for me. This is the most revered schmaltzy McCartney song (over "Good Day Sunshine" and "Got To Get You Into My Life"), so here it is. No, the fact that he wrote "Eleanor Rigby" doesn't cancel out the other song's suck.
5. Back In The USSR: One of those songs that the radio decided to play endlessly, because it sounds like everything else the radio plays, so you pretty much grow tired of it after years.
6. Get Back: See above.
7. She Loves You: I Want To Hold Your Hand is catchier. That's all.
8. Come Together: Kinda in the same vein as "Back In The USSR" and "Get Back," but I once liked this song before it was overplayed. Now it's just there.
9. Revolution: See above. Also, I might like the one on The White Album better.
10. A Day In The Life: Granted, it'd also appear on my top 15 favorite Beatle songs of all time. But I think the fact that Sgt. Pepper (for some reason) has been so revered has elevated this into "top 5 Beatle songs of all time" category, which it definitely isn't.


1. The Word: OK. So first, Rubber Soul is probably my favorite album of theirs, because it has a lot of cool nuggets like this one. And I mean, I probably shouldn't like this one so much, because it does sound like a stupid poppy "summer of love" song (even though it came out a few years earlier), but for some reason this works. With the absolutely amazing bridge (with the rumbling guitar line... or bass. I can't tell), fun harmonies, a stupid one-note riff that drives the song, and the harmonium solo (!!)... it's just fun and silly.
2. Mother Nature's Son: I've always considered this the 2nd best song off of The White Album (after Dear Prudence), and still can't fathom why it wouldn't rank among people's favorites. I absolutely love the calm acoustic playing on this. Sorta like "Blackbird"... but with horns and a better melody.
3. Love You To: I don't understand why it's called "Love You To" (I heard it's a play on "Love Me Do" but it's still a weirdly phrased title), but I like pretty much all of the Indian-influenced stuff that Harrison wrote. This is the best because it still manages to rock out more than anything else on "Revolver" even with the f'n sitar.
4. You Never Give Me Your Money: It's the best non-Harrison song on Abbey Road. Fact. Everything after the initial section is just ace, and manages to be somewhat unpredictible for a McCartney song.
5. The Night Before: Honestly, Help! as a whole is underrated, and it's probably my favorite "early" Beatle album. This unfortunately is placed right between "Help!" and "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away", but manages to not blow chunks like "Hello Goodbye." Good for it. Also it features some of Paul's better vocals.
6. If I Needed Someone: One, it's all jangly like The Byrds, which is always a plus. Two, Harrison is just underrated in general, but you knew that. So maybe he isn't underrated...
7. Dig It: So it's only filler, and it's only 50 seconds long. But it doesn't take itself seriously, which is good... cause it precedes "Let It Be," and makes me actually like that song. All filler should be like this.
8. I'll Follow The Sun: Pretty much the only worthwhile song on Beatles For Sale. I heard this on the radio once, and really liked the acoustic playing. Then I never heard it on the radio again. *shrugs* Give it a wimpier vocal and maybe lose the short guitar solo, and it'd be a huge indie hit these days. Seriously.
9. Anna (Go To Him): Some very nice vocals from Lennon. One of my favorite earlier songs, actually. The guitar riff is really cool, too... it makes the song stand out from the straightforward rock'n'roll sound of the rest of the song.
10. Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand: It's the Beatles in German!! That's cool, right?

OK. So it really isn't. But it's fun to listen to them sound awkward with the language (although they sound even more so on "Sie Liebt Dich", but you know...)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Favre, again...

Well that was quick.

Still not convinced that he won't just decide to leave after Week 2, then decide at Week 16 that he can go. But we'll see. In the mean time, here are the reasons why I like the signing of Favre:

1) The world now has no question in mind of the level of Brett Favre's attention whoring. That level? THE BIGGEST. THE BIGGEST LEVEL.

Of course, the whole world has figured this out about 10 years too late, but still.

2) He's going to get Brad Childress fired. Which is good. Despite his cool beard.

3) I might buy a Favre Vikings jersey. Not because I like him at all, because I don't... but I know how crushing it'll be to Packer fans, who treated him like a god despite being overrated like hell for a good while now.

4) We weren't going to go anywhere this year anyway. So we might as well go nowhere while derailing the legacy of my least favorite player ever!!


Monday, August 17, 2009

Brett Favre

Hey, another sports post.

Brett Favre. Could come back. Still.

You know those television series that are essentially built between the courtship between two characters? Where the series runs the whole "will they or won't they" thing into the ground? Where season one ends on the revelation that the girl spurns the boy for another man? Where season two has the girl secretly pining for the boy, resulting in a long courtship between the two until the end of the season results in the girl having moved on? Where season three has the girl changing her mind only to see that the boy has moved on to another gal? And where season four they finally get together?

OK, so maybe you don't know those TV series. Still... this situation is like that. Assuming that Favre would make a convincing female lead, the Jets a convincing "new boyfriend", whoever the hell will play for the Vikings as a convincing "new girlfriend" (that's the biggest stretch.) Oh, and this is also assuming that Brett Favre will decide he wants to come back during Week 9, when we're 6-2 and doing great with Rosenfels/Jackson/Booty/Tarkenton/Cunningham/George/McMahon/Moon/Johnson/whoever.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Vikings preseason greetings!!

OK. So I just went home. My brother has been talking about the Vikings preseason game since I got home... unfortunately, I went back before the game started, so I wouldn't be able to watch the game with him, much to his dismay. Feeling bad, I am watching the game right now, as a way of watching the game with my brother "in spirit." I'll probably turn it off once it becomes entirely pointless, but you know...

Here are some of my thoughts... not necessarily related to the game or anything, but at least partially inspired by the game. Basically, what I am trying to say is that I don't like delving into in-depth analysis (mainly because it's boring), so I'm just going to write whatever I feel like... essentially turning off sports fans and non-sports fans alike.

-So the Vikings are sort of mired in this quarterback controversy, in which all the QBs we have completely blow and the entire competition of who will win the starting spot is essentially a question of "who will suck less?" So that's what the main appeal of watching this game... seeing if either Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson suck less than the other.

My official opinion is that Rosenfels looked decent in his 1st quarter appearance, but I have a few problems with him, none of which have anything to do with his playing ability. The first strike is that his name is Sage Rosenfels... since I'm someone that subscribes to a ridiculous theory that you need a cool name to have a better chance at success, the name doesn't cut it. I mean, look at some of the best QBs... Johnny Unitas, Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Tom Brady... all have that classic name that you'd want your starting QB to possess. I mean, some people excel without having cool names (Fran Tarkenton, Brett Favre), but it certainly helps. If I had a name like Johnny Unitas, I'd probably think I'm hot s*** and carry myself with all the confidence in the world.

But Sage Rosenfels? First off, the last name is kind of awkward. But you can get past that depending on how the first name fits with the last ... something like Michael would help. Michael Rosenfels wouldn't be the greatest name in the world, but it has a little bit of a flow to it. But naming the kid Sage? One, it makes the kid feel like a dork (which shouldn't make one feel any better about themselves), and two, it not only makes the opposition not fear Sage at all, but it'd have to make them chomp at the bit at playing against him. It's a pretty bad name. Tarvaris Jackson isn't much better, but you'd think he has an OK chance at success.

The second complaint I have against him is that he wears the number 2. I can't think of any decent QB that's ever worn the number, but not only that... it makes me think that Sage wanted a low number, but when he could have gone for #1, he instead settled for #2. Thus, I don't think Sage has the mentality to ever win a Super Bowl.

-There was a weird moment in the beginning of the game, the first moment you got to hear the referees. And I think his mic was malfunctioning, and instead of sounding normal, he sounded like a robot. I like that. It makes me think of the future, and how eventually all the games will be overseen by robotic refs in order to minimize errors in rulings. It makes me hope that the robots will still wear pinstripes, cause they're pretty cool.

-This game is in Indianapolis, and I know that the just got a new stadium a year or two ago. They had a shot in which they were showing all the different restaurants and stores at the stadium. I like stadiums where the main attraction is a game that is being played, but I guess I'm weird...

-So I haven't really been paying attention to the Vikings enough over the offseason to notice, but I'm really digging the beard that Coach Childress has going on. I've always felt that the 'stache of his never really made him look like a quality coach. I always thought he should shave it off so it would make him look tougher instead of looking like a lame uncle of mine. But man... the beard is intense. Makes me think he is a man's man... which is good, because he's supposed to be leading men. So, good job on the beard. Probably the best move of the offseason.

-Tarvaris Jackson is really good at handing the ball off. At this point, that's been his key asset in his game.

-I think the beer commercials that usually play during games has subconcsiously affected my decision to not drink. I've never really cared for some of them (mainly the "funny" Bud Light or Miller Lite commercials), because they usually opt for trying to be funny rather than... you know, advertising the product. But now that I think about it, I think the commercials' impact on me has been to make me assume that drinking is actually kind of lame. Because, you know, the message of the commercials (if there are any messages to them) is "hey! Drink our beer and then automatically become funny and involved in comically ludicrous situations!" Except that they're not really all that funny... and honestly kind of boring, because they all pretty much seem the same. And I've always sort of thought of drinking as sort of a boring way to socialize, so maybe it's the advertisers fault.

Anyway, the point of this is that I am watching the game, and I've been subjected to a bunch of beer commercials, and now all of a sudden I feel reaffirmed that I'm not terribly lame for my non-alcoholic lifestyle.

-The game is getting pretty pointless now. We're winning 13-3 in the 3rd. I'm going to stop.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Random musical ramblings...

So basically due to the blank void that has been my summer, I haven't really kept up to date with any of the latest "pop culture happenings." Which may or may not be a good thing. It usually gives me something to babble about, but it has allowed me to pursue other hobbies... like sleeping. And sitting.

But HEY! I've sort of kept up with musical "happenings" recently, enough to know that Radiohead, a.k.a. the best band in the world (well... not really. Well maybe. I don't know why I said that anyway) apparently won't be releasing any LPs anytime soon. Apparently they're (or Thom Yorke is) bored and tired of the slog that making an LP puts them through... or SOMETHING like that. I'm too lazy to look for the article right now. I think they're instead just going to put out a lot more EPs and singles and such.

Which is cool for a number of reasons. One, the EP is underrated, and two, well... they've already released a number of classic albums, but I also feel like some of their recent stuff feels just like a by-the-numbers collection of songs (looking at you, Hail To The Thief). So maybe it'd just be better if they released songs whenever they felt like it, allowing people to pick and choose which ones go on their iPod and crap.

... which it seems like is what they're doing. This song, called "Harry Patch", I guess really was intended for a charity for the oldest WWI vet who recently died (or SOMETHING... again, too lazy to look for the actual specifics.) It's a nice song... not really essential or anything, but if you like your strings and Radioheads combining forces and such, it makes for a pleasant listen.

That big box above this sentence was a totally cool embedded "YouTube" video, by the way. You all should check YouTube out when you get the chance. It's pretty cool.

Anyway, a week after releasing that song to the general public, they decide that it'd be cool to release another song! Cool, huh?

This one I like a lot more. It's sort of reminiscent of "Arpeggio", but a lot darker. And that bass line is SINISTER.

Anyway, the point of this is that the idea of a band releasing songs as they finish them, instead of just releasing them all together... well, it could work, you know? At the very worst, you won't have a material object that tries to make this "cohesive statement", but if you're just going to be recording a bunch of songs that aren't necessarily going to be cohesive, you might as well release them one by one rather than piling them all together, you know? At least for Radiohead, it makes sense. It will pique everyone's interest for a while, and then they'll pique everyone's interest again, instead of having everyone wait impatiently for the next record, all the while both massively hyping it and setting oneself up for disappointment. One of the reasons why I enjoyed In Rainbows was due to the fact that it was released 10 days after it was announced, which allowed me to not get too hyped up over it. So randomly discovering that they've put a song out there every once in a while sounds like a cool treat.

I'd be interested to see how they plan on making money if they're just going to release singles one by one, but I guess that's for the future.


Oh, and there's this song I've been digging the past day or two. It's by a group called Dead Man's Bones, which is sort of a project for actor Ryan Gosling... which sounds like a massive red flag, but the music is eerie and moody enough to grab my attention. The song linked combines zombies, doo-wop, a mournful, grandiose feel and a children's choir. So I think I sort of have to like it, just for that reason.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Dr. Parnassus trailer


Needs more Tom Waits.

Also, Heath Ledger is in this movie.

Heath Ledger is dead.

Did you know that?

Saturday, August 8, 2009


So it's about one AM, I'm not feeling the need to sleep, and I'm bored. I've been trying to clear out some hard drive space the past couple of days, which has led me to start browsing the frightening and strange offspring of my younger self's mind.

It's pretty... well, it's something. Most of it is papers for classes and what not, but unfortunately there's a bunch of other stuff. Oh, you've got poetry, unfinished novels and strange short stories that go nowhere... there's also an unfinished "love letter" I was going to send off anonymously to some female I thought was kind of stuck up to see how she'd react. Or maybe I was going to send it to her with my name on it, just to see what would happen. I can't remember.

I sort of want to post some of it here, but I also don't want to make everyone rue the day they decided learning to read was a good idea. I did however find a Word document entitled "jokes," which I put together a few years ago, apparently. So I am going to post the entire thing here. Because I can. And I have nothing better to do.

Keep in mind that this was my idea of "humor" about 4 years ago. And this is all the height of comedy right now. Does this mean that I am a trendsetter when it comes to humorous quips you can all tell your friends? Probably.

(All this crap is after the break.)

"Ask me if I'm a tree. "
"Huh? "
"Ask me if I'm a tree. "
"Are you a tree? "
"No. "


Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.


A group of friars lived in a monastery. As with many monasteries, the friars found it necessary to run a small business to support themselves. They ran a floral shop. One day one of the friars brought in an exquisite find: a Venus fly trap. It was such a cute thing, they couldn't bear to sell it, so they just kept it on display. But after a while, it grew so big that flies were no longer enough to satisfy it. It ate cockroaches, but it kept growing. It ate mice, but it still kept growing. It ate chipmunks, squirrels, cats, then raccoons and dogs and ponies. Finally the villagers got wise to this and attempted to put a stop to it. But try as they might, no one could. One way or another, the friars outsmarted the townsfolk and raided their farms of large animals. Finally the villagers pooled their money and hired a professional named Hugh to come in and capture the friars. Hugh stormed the monastery, destroyed the fly trap, captured the friars, and turned them over to the police. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


What did the apple say to the banana?
Nothing -- apples don't talk.


Two atoms are talking:

"Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"


A man walks into a bar. Ouch.


What's black, white, black, white, and green?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle.


What did the tailor say when he pricked his finger?


"Do you know what this is?" Chang says, proudly showing off his new boat to his neighbor, Luigi.

"You a-bet I do," says Luigi. "It's a junk."

Chang is incensed. "How dare you insult my boat like that!?"


Two blondes went to a costume party, both dressed as Betty Boop. When they saw each other, they were very angry, because they couldn't stand the thought that someone else was wearing the same costume. They started feuding, and one of them grabbed the other's name tag and changed it so that it read "Betty Bop." The second immediately did the same, so they were both wearing the wrong name tag and were angrier than ever.

Suddenly there was an unearthly moan, and a ghost appeared to them, also dressed as Betty Boop. It intoned, "Beware, mortals! I was once such as you, but through my pettiness and wrath I came to this! Beware, lest ye too suffer my grim fate! Beware!" But the two blondes ignored the apparition and kept feuding.

Things continued along those lines until the scat-singing contest. When it was the first blonde's turn, she did spectacularly, so much so that the audience demanded an encore. This made the second blonde so angry that she snapped, snuck up onto the bandstand, and slipped a bomb into the bass drum. But she greviously overestimated the length of the song, and it ended before she could get away. The drummer hit the bass drum, the bomb went off, and both the blondes and several innocent bystanders were killed.

And the moral of the story is: Bop, Bop, Boo-Bop: She Bopped; Bam, Boom!


Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?
He was looking for a Czech mate


Two grains of sand were walking together in the desert. Suddenly, one turned to the other and said, "Dude, I think we're being followed."


Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was an ice cream truck driver named Bob. Everyone in the neighborhood knew when Bob's truck was driving by because of the giant inflatable clown head that he'd strapped to the roof. The clown head had speakers in it, and as Bob drove by he would talk into a little microphone, saying things like, "Hey, kids, buy ice cream!" And lo and behold, it sounded just like the giant inflatable clown head itself was talking. Bob liked his job because he got to make kids happy and eat a lot of ice cream himself. And so it went, for many years.

Until one day, the government of the far-off land decided to outlaw ice cream.

Yes, all of a sudden, the treats that Bob once sold had become controlled substances. Bob, fearing for his job, quickly converted his ice cream truck into a tuna-fish truck, but he kept the clown head and the speakers for old times' sake.

But instead of turning in his stocks of ice cream to the government, he kept them in the basement of his house, and every day he would take out a popsicle or a sundae cone and eat it in the privacy of his home. It got so Bob would eat more and more ice cream every day, which made him a bit of a jumpier person than he had been before, but nobody seemed to mind.

And so it happened that one day, Bob was rather erratically driving his tuna-fish truck around the neighborhood, having just eaten two pudding pops and an orange creamsicle. He picked up his microphone, as he had done so many times before, but when he switched the microphone on, the sugar buzz kicked in, and all he could say was: "T'nnufidgeiss ver'gyood! Buy'tnaow!"

And that's when Bob realized that he had a problem.

A problem...with truck head diction.


It is not a well known fact, but soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. The Coliseum was used for matches. There was a big match planned for one Saturday, and three famous Romans arranged to meet at the Coliseum to see the match (Rome vs. Naples). When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favorite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game.

At half time, Brutus finally arrived "Sorry I'm late," he said. "The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn't get it fixed. How's the game going?"

"It's been a fantastic game so far," Caesar replied.

"What's the score, then?"

"Eight-two, Brutus."


A man ran into a hospital and yelled, "I have only 59 seconds to live."

The receptionist said, "Just a minute, please."


There were two fish in a tank. One fish said to the other fish, "How do you drive this thing?"


A policeman stopped a man who was walking along with a monster and ordered him to take it to the zoo at once. The next day the policeman saw the same man with the same monster.

"I thought I told you to take that monster to the zoo," he said.

"I did," said the man, "and now I'm taking him to see a movie."


Two cows were in a field. One cow says, "Mooooo." The other says, "Jerk. I was going to say that."


Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."


What's E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his space ship.


Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Life and Times of Squidward Tentacles -- Part 1 of 8

You should read the end of the last post first. Well... you don't have to. In fact, don't. But I said that I was probably going to talk about SpongeBob in my next entry at the end of the post, and lo and behold, that's what I'm doing. How about that?

So I'm a big SpongeBob person. The "everything about the show was pretty OK up until the movie, then it never was the same" type of person.

A bit of history about me and the show: back when it debuted in 99 or so... back when I was a wee youngin' and still watched Nickelodeon because my younger siblings still watched it and because Nickelodeon still had Rocko's Modern Life reruns showing, I saw the advertisements for the show and pretty much thought it was the end of quality TV animation as we knew it. Or, the debut of the show would mark the transition from the "glory days" of Nick to the channel's utter ruination. (As it turns out, the SpongeBob period turned out to be the "glory days" in tandem with Rocko's "glorier days" compared to whoever the hell is on the channel now.)

I ended up watching the show a year or two later... I think it was the "Ripped Pants" episode, and thought it wasn't as stupid as I thought it might be... not really wowed or impressed, but you know. Then when I watched another episode later (I'm thinking it was "Squid's Day Off"... not that I have any reason to be remembering things like this anyway), I was pretty much floored and how cool it was. I began to tape the show every single time it came on TV (because I taped EVERYTHING I liked back in the day... which might be something else I write about later), and after my fandom increased I realized how stupid my initial skepticism was when I realized that the creator of the show actually came from Rocko's Modern Life. So there you go.

Flash forward to 2009, I take a trip to the Mall of America armed with 5 buckaroos, when I notice a pretty sweet Squidward Lego key chain and decide to buy it. I'm considering it one of the best purchases I've made in my life, basically. Oh, and thanks to the keychain, I have slowly begun to start rewatching all the episodes from those first few seasons.

Actually, I do have a complaint about the Squidward Lego dude... here's what the keychain looks like:

Pretty cool, right? I searched for this image on Google and found some other Squidward Legos, but THOSE put Squidward's face onto the standard Lego head... and feature him smiling. Mine is totally better, since it's got his distinctive head and a huge resigned frown on his face, which pretty much sums up his essence better than anything else. Unfortunately, Squidward's shirt looks like this:

I can forgive the slight differences in the Lego and animated form's skin color, because it probably changes a lot anyway. But the shirt? Always been brown. Don't know why they fnerked that one up.

Anyway. My main intention heading into this post was to extol the virtues of Squidward, which is what I'm going to do now. Because although there's certainly a calvacade of whimsical and enjoyable characters, without Squidward there is no huge SpongeBob craze, there is no movie, no merchandise, etc. Squidward is pretty much the quintessential glue that holds the show together. In fact, I dare argue that Squidward JUST MIGHT BE the single greatest American character of the 21st century, and I intend to prove it here.

I don't actually intend to prove that. I was just saying things.

But really. You have a sponge who is hyperactive and relentlessly and ridiculously cheerful. You have a starfish whose sole existence on the show is thanks to the creators' attempt to create the dumbest character alive. You have a squirrel... living underwater. You have a crab whose every thought is about money. I mean, these characters are pretty over the top ridiculous, sometimes bearing on overkill. So you need something to balance pretty much all that craziness out. And Squidward does that all so wonderfully by hating his life, cursing the day he met all the characters of Bikini Bottom.

In other words, he's the straight man. But still. That straight man act proves enough to withstand the cheerful zaniness and add a cynical edge to the show. I don't know how to describe why he does this so well... it's like every moment on screen you can hear him thinking "this is stupid, this situation is dumb as hell, these people are morons and I hate life and want to die." Which I guess is appealing to me...

I don't know. I've always found Squidward to be more relatable than any of the other characters as well, although that might be due to the fact that Squidward is a would-be (and yet terrible) artist that is frustrated with his current status in life, which is sort of how I view myself anyway. But you know. SpongeBob is almost too relentlessly hyper (I would say he's too cheerful as well, but certain episodes have him possessing doubts in attempting to overcome adversity... because you know, storylines have to have extra meat on them) for my tastes, and the rest of the characters (save maybe Plankton) seem too one dimensional for one to relate with. But Squidward? He's stuck with a crappy job, has dreams that he'll never accomplish, and tries to be a good person and do the right thing which always ends up getting foiled. Who couldn't relate to that sort of guy?

OK, so maybe he's a little too depressing for everyone to relate to.

Probably, now that I think about it, since the trip to the Mall of America (with all its Nickelodeon tie-ins) involved a rigorous search for Squidward stuff in mountains of SpongeBob and Patrick stuff.

Maybe he isn't cuddly enough.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

For no reason...

I had a dream about my little blog last night.

I don't remember what it entailed, but what I remember is this:
1) It was about this site.
2) It involved being publicly humiliated.
3) It may or may not have involved an inanimate object devouring me.

I take this as a sign that I should probably write some more. Maybe. Depends on how you interpret the scene where I may or may not get eaten. If it's because I haven't been posting, then what I'm doing is alright... if it's because I am writing, well... then I'm screwed.

I don't actually have much to say, really. See, the problem is that I'm kind of broke right now, so anything I do is pretty much restricted to the friendly confines of my little ole' apartment. Which means that of the 10 or so films I've wanted to see this summer, I've probably seen one (and that one movie I chose to go see was Transformers as well... what the hell is wrong with me?). Which means that my weekly library visits are getting cut down increasingly, because bus fare is sort of a luxury. Which means I am bored as all get out, and thus I don't want to do anything as a result.

Oh, bit of news... I interviewed for a job the other day that I was just about 94% sure I'd get... and of course that did not happen. Awesome..................................... awesome.

Other news... umm, well, I'm going to try to write a screenplay, whenever I get the kinks of the general plot ironed out. I say this because I am hoping that by mentioning this, a magical inspiration fairy will overhear and help me out or something. I don't know.

I think I am done for now. I'll probably update tomorrow and write about the limited stuff I have been doing as of late. Like watching SpongeBob. I've been watching a lot of SpongeBob.


I'll probably write about SpongeBob.