Friday, June 26, 2009

TRANSFORMERS 2 REVIEW






















I don't know what the hell I just saw.

The end.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Land Of The Lost is now *this* closer to securing a Best Pic nod...

I like the Oscars. Or... I like complaining about them, to be more precise. Cause you know... my opinions hold more weight than any collection of snooty film "lovers", and when Sean Penn steals an Oscar away from Mike Myers, I get upset.

So when AMPAS announces they're increasing the Best Picture fold to 10, I treat it like pretty big news. After all, it pretty much is a concession that they royally screwed up the Best Picture category last year, and that from now on that it won't ignore silly animation or superhero movies in favor of merely recognizing Oscar bait material.

I'm not sure exactly how expanding the category to ten nominees will work out this year, but it sure has me thinking about what would have occurred last year. So I'm going to try to retroactively prognosticate what the "bottom five" nominees would have been for last year's Best Picture field.

(More after break.)

Of course, these are just my opinions on how I feel the Academy would have filled out the rest of the five, and not my own opinion on who deserves it or anything. And with that said, I'm first going to reveal some possibly popular choices that WOULDN'T make the top ten, according to my own predictions:

-WALL-E: Omitted because the first 30 minutes are pretty much dialogue free, which is too weird for the Academy. Plus it makes fun of fat people, and imagine the controversy...
-The Wrestler: Way too much blood for the Academy's taste. Plus, wrestling is fake. They don't ACTUALLY get hurt...
-Let The Right One In: It's in Swedish. Who the hell speaks in Swedish nowadays anyway?
-The Dark Knight: Oh, the Joker's too nihilistic for SERIOUS consideration. Plus no one would go around fighting crime in a Batsuit. That's just silly.

So what does the final five look like? Well, without any further adieu...

-Australia
-Bolt
-Changeling
-Doubt
-Revolutionary Road

Why these five, you might ask? Well... you've got four Oscar bait movies, which the Academy obviously loves to recognize. And then, you have Bolt, which not only is an ANIMATED movie, but is also about a SUPERHERO dog. So nominating that will SURELY put to rest those who cry bias against animation and comic book flicks, right?! Of course!

....

So yeah. I'm assuming that expanding the field to ten will just allow them to screw up even more, causing us all to bellyache all the more about inclusions and exclusions and all that jazz. Of course, we'll all keep watching, cause complaining is what everyone likes to do. So nice move, Academy.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Why Transformers will suck AND be awesome at the same time.

So Transformers 2 comes out tomorrow. This might not be important to those considered normal, but to me... I couldn't be more excited. Not that I'll be able to see it tomorrow... probably by this weekend. But still. Excited.

The thing is that it's getting hammered all across the board. The best review I could find is that it's dazzle for dazzle's sake, which isn't really a huge compliment in of itself. But the thing considering all these reviews is that each review that pans the film subsequently makes me all the more giddy to watch it.

I liked the first one... kind of a lot. And it's not one of those things where I'm going to say that I left my brain at home and just enjoyed the film for the popcorn factor, because it isn't the case. I enjoyed it simply for its sheer audacity to do everything in the book to make the film as "entertaining" as possible. Which might mean a severe lack of taste for some, but... I mean, how do I say this?

OK. So there was a scene in the first movie where a Mountain Dew vending machine turned into a Decepticon (or whatever... it isn't important). Now, everyone else in the world might take that as a shameless form of advertising (which it is), but I can't help but imagine that the reason this took place in the film is that Michael Bay woke up one day and said to himself "you know what would be cool? A Mountain Dew machine turning into a KILLER ROBOT."

And that's why I sort of like Michael Bay (or at least from what I've seen... haven't seen Pearl Harbor or anything like that). Although his stuff might scream "mass Hollywood blockbuster product," it seems as if he's less of a corporate tool wanting mass profits and more like someone who honestly believes the mass Hollywood blockbuster is the best form of entertainment one can aim for. Which makes it seem bizarrely more honest than the typical blockbuster fare...

This might sound stupid, and it might make him out to be stupid (which is not what I'm trying to do, because I'm not so certain he's not some form of crazy genius.) All I know is that articles like this one make me all the more excited about the stupid thing when it should be turning people away. I might be weird, but I'm OK with that.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

*shakes fist at Wilco, library, life*

So. Just about every week I make a trip out to the library downtown. I do this because the library offers an extensive collection of DVDs that I can browse through, along with allowing me to reserve some of the harder-to-find films. Basically, each week I come home with a few cool films that I get to watch and make me feel like I'm more "cultured"or something. Not that I watch every film I get, you know... I think one of the films I have right now I've checked out like three times already.

(More after break.)

Anyway. This week's trip to the library was kinda weak, and I grabbed some stuff that I don't really think I'll watch, but you know... just in case not doing anything gets a little boring. But the highlight of the trip was finding I Am Trying To Break Your Heart, a documentary about Wilco and the making of their album Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. I'd heard about it a while ago, but it piqued my interest after a bunch of publications mentioned the film in regards to the untimely passing of Jay Bennett. Plus it's about one of the better albums of the decade, so it has that going for it...

So all was good. I was watching it late last night, enjoying the film quite a bit (although perplexed why it included about as many songs from Being There as from Yankee Hotel Foxtrot) and watching a performance of either "Monday" or "I Got You (At The End Of The Century)" 50 minutes into the thing when all of a sudden the disc stopped working. Which isn't a huge surprise, because these are library discs and people are prone to be moronic and not treat discs properly. But usually the problem is solved simply, usually by skipping ahead a little bit... and all is well. This just STOPPED WORKING.

Oh, my plight was unbearable, and I cried myself to sleep.

Today, I tried monkeying with it again, but to no avail. The disc still wouldn't read a few chapters later, and considering that the unplayable material had some pretty crucial stuff (like the firing of Bennett, and... performances of songs from Being There), I just cried some more. I have a thing where I hate not seeing entire films... as in I most likely won't watch something if it's 5 minutes in. This pretty much sucked.

I tried seeing if the film was online anywhere. The only place I could find it was at iTunes, where you could buy the film for $10 or "rent" it for $3. This is where I mention that I am unemployed, will be completely broke in two months, and am trying to spend as little as possible. This is also where I mention that I make poor life decisions on a regular basis.

OK, so it was only $3 that I spent, but still. I spent $3 to watch the last 30 minutes of a documentary that was entertaining but hardly essential. AND I'M GOING TO BE BROKE SOON. ACK. So this feels like a really stupid purchase from my perspective.

Anyway, the point of this post is this: all my problems are other people's fault. In making me spend precious three dollars and subsequently digging me ever so slightly more into the proverbial hole, the blame lays not at my feet but rather at the feet of various organizations. The band is at fault, for producing decent music and possessing an endearing midwestern charm that keeps me sort of intrigued enough to want to watch the rest of the film. The library is at fault, for existing and allowing me to check out films like this one, even in their damaged state. And iTunes is at fault, for being the only place to offer the film on the internet, and doing so at a price that is small enough that I'd waste money watching the last 30 minutes.

The thing is that I had gone almost a solid week without spending a dime on anything (aside from bills), and I was hoping that streak of thriftiness would continue. Well, now it's dead. And all I can think about is being loose with my wallet, and tomorrow I'm probably going to waste all my money on booze and cocaine. And maybe an HDTV.

Mainly I'm just bitter for not having a six figure job that would enable me to throw my money around carelessly. I was watching some liquidation auction channel yesterday, where people were bidding on crappy jewelry for like $3000. Seriously, who has enough money to be bored enough to be watching the auction channel AND buy stuff from it? It put me in a bit of a funk for the rest of the night.

Anyway, at least the rest of the film was good. There was a scene at Wendy's.

That was cool.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Year One

OK, so according to everyone this movie is quite terrible (and by everyone I mean Metacritic). And it looks like everyone else thinks it is indeed going to be terrible (and by everyone I mean... everyone). And they all might be right. So I don't want to sound like a broken record or anything, but still I have a few questions?

1) Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to cast McLovin as Isaac in a biblical epic?

OK, so it's a "spoof" or whatever, but still. I mean, there are certain movies in which McLovin could pull off playing the same character and get away with it. But with this... it makes it seem like the movie isn't even trying. And he wasn't all that great in Superbad anyway.

2) Who the hell thought Michael Cera looked even remotely passable in that wig he's wearing?

Maybe it's a "joke" or something, but it makes him look about eleven.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Wait, so this *isn't* the best music collection ever known to man?

Infomercials are very misleading.

...you know, not that you needed me to tell you this. But it's something that I have finally experienced firsthand, and now I just feel depressed and alone.

So I was watching this infomercial about Time Life's newest music collection called "Romancing the 70's." I don't want to spend a lot of time talking about the product itself, but it seemed to be pretty much the best way one could spend $150. Plus it'd take me years to build up my 70's ballad collection without it or something like that. And that Tony Orlando thinks it's awesome.

The problem is that it looked too awesome.

(more after break)

The first problem was that they played a 7 second clip of Kenny Rogers singing "Lady." And in the context of the clip--in which Rogers says something to the effect of "Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor... AND I LOVE YOU"--Rogers actually sounds almost--just almost--earnest about the lyrics... but mostly he sounds bats*** insane. So screw me. It made me giggle.

So... on this fine evening, where I was bored enough to not look for employment like I should be doing, I searched for this song, expecting that my life would be changed, that I'd be able to appreciate the final little morsel of water in my cup for the wondrous thirst-quenching drop that it is, and all that jazz.

This is what I got:



So. You know. It's Easy Listening. Which is what I *should* have expected, were it not for the completely awesome 7 second clip (take my word--it was grand). I ended up listening to different variations of the song on YouTube, none of which matched up with how Rogers sung the song during the clip on the infomercial. And then I gave up, because I realized that I was spending time and effort on Kenny Rogers. (And reading through the comments for the video depressed me, because some gal said that her boyfriend thinks this is his favorite song. Unfortunately he has not yet realized he is wrong.)

So that sucked, and I fell into manic depression and etc. Then I had the bad idea to investigate the other highlight I derived from the infomercial.

Her name is Maxine Nightingale. I remember her name mainly because I repeated it six times after seeing her for about 2 seconds. Making a long story short... her hair was ridiculous.

I typed her name into Google, expecting that she'd have 26 different crazy hairstyles and crap since my experience with her had been limited to 2 seconds and everything.

I didn't find anything. However I did read that apparently she is a huge douchebag, and one time got annoyed enough with an autograph seeker that she took the pen and literally tried to shove it up that person's ass.

OK so I made that up. I don't know why I said that.

Anyway, the moral of this story is that I am depressed and alone, and this is probably all Time Life's fault. They've got about a few days to make it up to me before I consider not purchasing this very fine 70's MOR collection.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Damn Lakers



One day, Kobe, you are going to be dying. You're going to have thyroid cancer, or something... and it will be miserable. Everything will be hopeless, you won't have any will to live, and you will just long for the moment in which you can take in that dying breath.

And you might have your rings, Kobe (including your special new Shaq-less one). But you know what? They won't be of much comfort when you are ROTTING IN YOUR GRAVE.

(I don't take well to players I don't like winning championships.)

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I must say...

Watching the NBA Finals on Justin.tv instead on anything good...

Well, it kinda sucks.

It's going to suck a lot worse if the Lakers win this game, though... crap. Derek Fisher just drained a three. That was actually impressive, though, because Kobe actually passed the ball. Or at least I think that was Kobe.

Make no mistake, people, I do not hold any ideas that I know much about basketball.

I would like to say that if the Lakers were to win the series, it'd be worse for the league, mainly because Kobe is a jerkoff who deserves to languish in as much misery as possible (I haven't met the guy, no... why do you ask?).

I would also like to say that all major sporting events should be streamed (with high quality) on the internet for free. The NCAA does this every March, and it works beautifully, and we have to sit through ads and such... and basically, it's perfect.

This isn't.

Especially becuase the Lakers are going to win.

Crap.

Monday, June 8, 2009

What I've been up to:

Cause I've been busy with a lot of things and haven't had time to really write anything. Not the type of routine I'd like to establish, but you know.

-Papers. Wrote two of them over the weekend, which was more difficult than I expected, because half of me has moved on from school and couldn't care less about making decent, well-reasoned arguments. The other half of me terribly wants to remain in school, but you know... sometimes life goes on and what not.

-Job interviews? Nothing great, but you know. Making rent in a few months would be nice.

-MY ROOMMATE IS WATCHING THE GODFATHER FOR LIKE THE 800TH TIME. WE'VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER FOR LIKE 3 WEEKS.

-So I got this game called Baseball Stars 2 on the Virtual Console for the Wii. It's pretty sweet. Which is a stellar description of the game. It's a pretty standard baseball game, but since it's from the arcade it's also pretty crazy... but not too much, you know? Yeah...

-I watched Armageddon. I'm becoming a huge Michael Bay apologist. Sure, he makes ridiculous, overtly macho, playing-to-the-lowest-common-denominator movies... but at least he doesn't make any bones about it. Which is admirable... really, it is.

-Mainly I've been writing papers.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Hey, lookie here...

I'm about halfway through a Coen Brothers class (the last class I'll ever have to take--until life destroys me so thoroughly that I retreat back to the friendly confines of academics), and it has been enjoyable so far. I'm not sure if I'm learning a whole lot--other than the brothers would hate the class and how we're trying to read their films in a scholarly manner and such--but you know... you get to watch some cool films.

I'm going to give a short, relatively thoughtless take on each film watched thus far because I can and I feel like I need to write something to occupy some space in here:

(More after break.)

Blood Simple
This is the one Coen film I hadn't seen that we have watched so far. I had heard it was somewhat film noir-ish and everything, but what struck me was how funny it was. I mean, I suppose every film of theirs has some sort of black comedic element, but the entire film after the initial "death" is just a huge comedy of errors where everyone assumes one thing, gets it completely wrong, and doesn't bother to clarify with each other to avoid the whole mess anyway. The scene in which one character is trying to dispose of a body is ridiculous/pathetic in his inability to just get rid of the f'n body. I liked this one a lot.

Raising Arizona
I didn't really like this the first time I saw it, but now I can enjoy it for the absurdly cartoonish romp that it pretty much is. I'm not really buying the sentimental side of it, but you know... it's fun to see John Goodman and Nicolas Cage have a little fun with this. There's a baby in the apartment above me, by the way. I mention this because I did not know there was one the first week and a half I lived here. Maybe they gave birth. Maybe they stole the baby...

Miller's Crossing
A very densely packed film. On an intellectual level, this ranks up there with some of their best stuff, as the Tom Reagan character provides some crazy complexion, as you don't really know where his head and his heart are at (or something to that effect... I'm tired and I'm actually writing about this last because I couldn't think of anything interesting to say about it... not that I'm saying anything interesting about any of the films, but you know...). I must say that it is a bit of a slog to get through compared to their other films, as the film might be a little *too* dense and perhaps a little short on the dark humor.

Barton Fink
A lot of reviews tend to state that this is a film that satirizes Hollywood and how it "sucks the soul out of the writer." I don't really agree with that. To me, Barton Fink is a pompous intellectual who thinks he's writing stuff catered to the common man, but has sheltered himself from that very common man by secluding himself in the intellectual New York community. Not to mention that Barton's clearly a hack--whose "wrestling picture" screenplay essentially mirrors the play that got him the gig in the first place--and not to mention that the "common man" that Barton supposedly desires would probably rather go see the generic Hollywood products anyway. So both Barton and Hollywood are producing formulaic drivel--but at least Hollywood is upfront about it, which is at least somewhat commendable.

The Hudsucker Proxy
Everyone in class hated this... which I cannot for the life of me understand. Perhaps it is because we've been watching a bunch of Coen brothers films, gotten used to the style, and then this comes out of nowhere and essentially announces that it's not going to be a good film. Which is why I like it, but I guess that's because the idea of the director giving the viewer absolutely nothing of what they want tickles my fancy in a contrarian way. The characters aren't really likable, the humor is kind of terrible (in a way that it becomes humorous), and they stick to conventions rather than subverting them in any sort of way. And that's what is interesting about it. I mean, the plot hinges on some guy literally stopping time out of nowhere, and we're supposed to go along with it. It's great.

Fargo
Watching the film this time it struck me how it came as no surprise that this was their biggest success to date, as it is just amazingly accessible. The characters are relatable, the humor is pretty apparent, the plot is pretty easy to follow and it has a pretty clear moral at the end of it. I think I might hold Barton Fink in higher regard, but it's still one of their best. I don't know. I've seen the film so many times that I'm at a loss of what to say for it.

I'm finished.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Wowee Zowee!

I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. One of the things that I'm playing with is the Google AdSense, which I'm hoping will allow me to afford my extravagant lifestyle once this place's hit total skyrockets from 1 hit per day to something like 6 million.

(More after break.)


The thing is that the links you're supposed to click on are supposed to be catered to what you actually post about. And the links that are below my little title header are "cars," "stuff when bored," "free stuff for baby," "pictures old cars," and "television." I guess maybe this is due to the fact that I'm writing about everything. Which is cool, I suppose.

Still, I want my meager advertisements to be unified as a whole, even if the place the ads run on really isn't. So I'm going to test how it picks up on topics, and include a bunch of key phrases in the next paragraph to achieve that unified whole.

Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.
Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.
Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.
Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.
Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.
Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.
Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.

I'm feeling kind of juvenile all of a sudden.