So I'm really really late to the party, but I just saw Crash for the very first time and holy crap was it astounding. It was really bad, but then became almost transcendent in its badness. How did this win Best Picture again?

So many absolutely ridiculous things happen in this that I'm amazed that this wasn't a comedy. I mean... I watched this at 3 AM and I almost stayed up the entire night just thinking about it. I made a little sheet of all the major plotlines in this just so I could giggle at it, so I thought I'd share it with you. It goes by actor:

Matt Dillon: is a racist cop. Molests black woman. BUT THEN HE SAVES HER FROM A BURNING CAR. REDEEMED.

Terrence Howard: watches wife get molested by racist cop. DECIDES HE ISN’T BLACK ENOUGH.

Sandra Bullock: gets robbed, blames all minorities as a result. Falls down stairs, REALIZES SHE’S WRONG.

Ludacris: Complains that a white woman is afraid of him because he is black. Robs white woman. Runs over a guy. Claims to never rob black people. Tries to rob Terrence Howard. Steals car of person he ran over. Discovers immigrants in back of car. Lets them go. GOOD PERSON.

Larenz Tate: likes carjacking and hockey. DIES.

Ryan Philippe: Hates working with racist cop and tries really hard to be not racist. SURPRISE SHOOTS BLACK PERSON.

Shaun Toub: has a store that gets vandalized. Blames locksmith who told him that the door is faulty. Decides to go shoot locksmith. Accidentally shoots his daughter instead. But he shoots blanks. REALIZES HE'S WRONG.

Michael Pena: is a locksmith that nobody likes (because of race). Has little girl. Has confrontation with store owner. Girl jumps in arms as man is pulling trigger. SADNESS. But she’s OK! He’s so overcome with happiness that he COMPLETELY IGNORES THE GUY THAT TRIED TO SHOOT HIM IN ORDER TO SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY.

Don Cheadle: tells mom he’s having sex with a white woman. BUT SHE’S ACTUALLY HALF PUERTO RICAN. Also the dead hockey-loving guy is his brother.

Yeah... so obviously I'm simplifying things quite a bit, but its attempts to deal with racial prejudices are quite astoundingly stupid. (i.e. every conversation resorts to racist remarks within SECONDS) I mean, it's not inherently bad to say "hey, a racist cop has good qualities too," but you don't make him out to be a hero either. And in the context of having his former partner start the film seemingly decent but ending it shooting a guy (arguably) because of racial prejudices (the whole misunderstanding could have been avoided if the two talked to each other like normal human beings, but...) almost makes it seem the movie conveys that it's better to be more upfront about your racism. Cause... you know, everybody's racist.

Not everything was absolutely dreadful though. I thought Ludacris was actually the best part, and Terrence Howard almost makes his ridiculous character transformation work. But yeah. Put it this way: I also watched Marmaduke last night, which was amazingly terrible (great) and had inspired me to write about how the talking dog scenes were actually (somehow) better than those with humans... but by the time this one rolled around, I had completely forgotten about the failures of the previous film. THE FAILURES OF A MOVIE BASED OFF OF MARMADUKE PALED IN COMPARISON.