"Jokes"

So it's about one AM, I'm not feeling the need to sleep, and I'm bored. I've been trying to clear out some hard drive space the past couple of days, which has led me to start browsing the frightening and strange offspring of my younger self's mind.

It's pretty... well, it's something. Most of it is papers for classes and what not, but unfortunately there's a bunch of other stuff. Oh, you've got poetry, unfinished novels and strange short stories that go nowhere... there's also an unfinished "love letter" I was going to send off anonymously to some female I thought was kind of stuck up to see how she'd react. Or maybe I was going to send it to her with my name on it, just to see what would happen. I can't remember.

I sort of want to post some of it here, but I also don't want to make everyone rue the day they decided learning to read was a good idea. I did however find a Word document entitled "jokes," which I put together a few years ago, apparently. So I am going to post the entire thing here. Because I can. And I have nothing better to do.

Keep in mind that this was my idea of "humor" about 4 years ago. And this is all the height of comedy right now. Does this mean that I am a trendsetter when it comes to humorous quips you can all tell your friends? Probably.

(All this crap is after the break.)

"Ask me if I'm a tree. "
"Huh? "
"Ask me if I'm a tree. "
"Are you a tree? "
"No. "

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Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

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A group of friars lived in a monastery. As with many monasteries, the friars found it necessary to run a small business to support themselves. They ran a floral shop. One day one of the friars brought in an exquisite find: a Venus fly trap. It was such a cute thing, they couldn't bear to sell it, so they just kept it on display. But after a while, it grew so big that flies were no longer enough to satisfy it. It ate cockroaches, but it kept growing. It ate mice, but it still kept growing. It ate chipmunks, squirrels, cats, then raccoons and dogs and ponies. Finally the villagers got wise to this and attempted to put a stop to it. But try as they might, no one could. One way or another, the friars outsmarted the townsfolk and raided their farms of large animals. Finally the villagers pooled their money and hired a professional named Hugh to come in and capture the friars. Hugh stormed the monastery, destroyed the fly trap, captured the friars, and turned them over to the police. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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What did the apple say to the banana?
Nothing -- apples don't talk.

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Two atoms are talking:


"Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

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A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

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What's black, white, black, white, and green?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle.

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What did the tailor say when he pricked his finger?
Darn!

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"Do you know what this is?" Chang says, proudly showing off his new boat to his neighbor, Luigi.

"You a-bet I do," says Luigi. "It's a junk."

Chang is incensed. "How dare you insult my boat like that!?"

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Two blondes went to a costume party, both dressed as Betty Boop. When they saw each other, they were very angry, because they couldn't stand the thought that someone else was wearing the same costume. They started feuding, and one of them grabbed the other's name tag and changed it so that it read "Betty Bop." The second immediately did the same, so they were both wearing the wrong name tag and were angrier than ever.

Suddenly there was an unearthly moan, and a ghost appeared to them, also dressed as Betty Boop. It intoned, "Beware, mortals! I was once such as you, but through my pettiness and wrath I came to this! Beware, lest ye too suffer my grim fate! Beware!" But the two blondes ignored the apparition and kept feuding.

Things continued along those lines until the scat-singing contest. When it was the first blonde's turn, she did spectacularly, so much so that the audience demanded an encore. This made the second blonde so angry that she snapped, snuck up onto the bandstand, and slipped a bomb into the bass drum. But she greviously overestimated the length of the song, and it ended before she could get away. The drummer hit the bass drum, the bomb went off, and both the blondes and several innocent bystanders were killed.

And the moral of the story is: Bop, Bop, Boo-Bop: She Bopped; Bam, Boom!

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Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?
He was looking for a Czech mate

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Two grains of sand were walking together in the desert. Suddenly, one turned to the other and said, "Dude, I think we're being followed."

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Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was an ice cream truck driver named Bob. Everyone in the neighborhood knew when Bob's truck was driving by because of the giant inflatable clown head that he'd strapped to the roof. The clown head had speakers in it, and as Bob drove by he would talk into a little microphone, saying things like, "Hey, kids, buy ice cream!" And lo and behold, it sounded just like the giant inflatable clown head itself was talking. Bob liked his job because he got to make kids happy and eat a lot of ice cream himself. And so it went, for many years.

Until one day, the government of the far-off land decided to outlaw ice cream.

Yes, all of a sudden, the treats that Bob once sold had become controlled substances. Bob, fearing for his job, quickly converted his ice cream truck into a tuna-fish truck, but he kept the clown head and the speakers for old times' sake.

But instead of turning in his stocks of ice cream to the government, he kept them in the basement of his house, and every day he would take out a popsicle or a sundae cone and eat it in the privacy of his home. It got so Bob would eat more and more ice cream every day, which made him a bit of a jumpier person than he had been before, but nobody seemed to mind.

And so it happened that one day, Bob was rather erratically driving his tuna-fish truck around the neighborhood, having just eaten two pudding pops and an orange creamsicle. He picked up his microphone, as he had done so many times before, but when he switched the microphone on, the sugar buzz kicked in, and all he could say was: "T'nnufidgeiss ver'gyood! Buy'tnaow!"

And that's when Bob realized that he had a problem.

A problem...with truck head diction.

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It is not a well known fact, but soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. The Coliseum was used for matches. There was a big match planned for one Saturday, and three famous Romans arranged to meet at the Coliseum to see the match (Rome vs. Naples). When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favorite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game.

At half time, Brutus finally arrived "Sorry I'm late," he said. "The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn't get it fixed. How's the game going?"

"It's been a fantastic game so far," Caesar replied.

"What's the score, then?"

"Eight-two, Brutus."

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A man ran into a hospital and yelled, "I have only 59 seconds to live."

The receptionist said, "Just a minute, please."

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There were two fish in a tank. One fish said to the other fish, "How do you drive this thing?"

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A policeman stopped a man who was walking along with a monster and ordered him to take it to the zoo at once. The next day the policeman saw the same man with the same monster.

"I thought I told you to take that monster to the zoo," he said.

"I did," said the man, "and now I'm taking him to see a movie."

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Two cows were in a field. One cow says, "Mooooo." The other says, "Jerk. I was going to say that."

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Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

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What's E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his space ship.

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Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him.